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Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men | 
 enlarge | Author: Lundy Bancroft
Publisher: Berkley Trade
Category: Book
List Price: $16.00
Buy New: $8.94
You Save: $7.06 (44%)
New (37) Used (26) from $8.75
Rating:  195 reviews
Sales Rank: 4774
Media: Paperback
Number Of Items: 1
Pages: 432
Shipping Weight (lbs): 1
Dimensions (in): 8.9 x 5.9 x 1.1
ISBN: 0425191656
Dewey Decimal Number: 362.82920973
EAN: 9780425191651
ASIN: 0425191656
Publication Date: September 2, 2003
Availability: Usually ships in 1-2 business days
Shipping: International shipping available
Condition: Brand new item. Over 3.5 million customers served. Order now. Selling online since 1995. Order with confidence. Code: B20081202223058T
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Product Description
"He doesn't mean to hurt me-he just loses control."
"He can be sweet and gentle."
"He's scared me a few times, but he never hurts the children-he's a great father."
"He's had a really hard life..."
Women in abusive relationships tell themselves these things every day. Now they can see inside the minds of angry and controlling men-and change their own lives. In this groundbreaking book, a counselor shows how to improve, survive, or leave an abusive relationship, with:
The early warning signs
Nine abusive personality types
How to tell if an abuser can change, is changing, or ever will
The role of drugs and alcohol
What can be fixed, and what can't
How to leave a relationship safely
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| Customer Reviews: Read 190 more reviews...
 The best book I've read on this topic! December 2, 2008
This book is the absolute best book I have read on this subject. It is clear and has many "for instances". It has made my life easier to handle and made my situation not feel quite so isolated. I have and will continue to recommend this book.
even if you don't think you are in an abusive relationship... December 1, 2008
This should be a must read for all young people. This book was recommended to me by my abuse counseling facilitator. I was in an abusive relationship (emotional, psychological,physical) and it was so manipulative, I was really believing that his physical abuse was a direct result of my behavior (and by the way, i never criticized him about anything nor cheated on him ...[i know. the fact that i even feel that I need to put in that caveat shows that I'm still struggling...]). In fact, he had me convinced that *I* was abusing *him* even though he would scream at me and beat me.
I left because I started to seek guidance elsewhere (he was my sole source of information about anything) and after reading this book, has really opened my eyes.
I love how Bancroft says in the beginning that the abuser always tells you what to think so he wants to make it clear to think about the book on your own and come to your own decisions.
Easy to read - hard to put down. Main message: abuse is not an anger issue. It's about VALUES. NOTHING about anger.
Also, the info about traumatic bonding... wow.
So, if you have ANY suspicion - any little teeny tiny voice, or someone has said something, READ THIS BOOK. At the very least, you can toss it down and say, nah that's not him/her (he does address gay relationships). I say this because I think if I had read it a lot earlier, I would've left a lot earlier.
Excellent resource for understanding the dynamics of emotional abuse November 22, 2008
This is an _excellent_ book for any woman who has been with or is with an angry and controlling man who is emotionally abusive. It helps a woman to realize that she's not crazy and that she is so much better off without this damaged and damaging presence in her life. Lundy Bancroft's detailed analysis of the realities of what's going on in the minds of these men is right on the mark and helps anyone who has been lost and hurting gain the kind of power that can only come with this knowledge.
Highly recommended reading for getting WAY over that bad man! :)
Eye opening book... November 13, 2008
I would recommend this book to anyone that is facing the abuse that Mr. Bancroft writes about.
Astonishingly insightful November 9, 2008
I am a lawyer and have worked in the criminal justice system ever since graduating from law school. I have defended men who were charged in domestic violence related offenses. I was always under the misguided perception that domestic violence was about someone being physically harmed by an intimate partner. I was so misguided that when I, myself, became involved with someone who was controlling, evil, and abusive, I did not recognize it for what it was. This book opened my eyes. It validated my feelings and experiences and pointed out to me what it was I was going through.
I dated a very dangerous man for six months. At first I thought his behaviors were "quirky" or that he was a lot more sensitive than anyone I have ever dated in the past. However, in such a short time, his charm changed from concern for my safety to monitoring my every move. He constantly accused me of having affairs, of emailing ex-boyfriends, and of having "no honor." During the short duration of the relationship, he went so far as to try and ruin my legal career by saying disparaging things about my character to my employers, isolating me from my friends and family, throwing knives across the room into the wall to intimidate me, and talking about having a suicide pact. Afterward he would always seem so sincere and apologize, and in attempts to garner sympathy, would blame his behaviors on the fact that no one understood him and that he had such a horrible childhood. However, after reading this book, I realized that all of his behaviors were for the sole purpose of manipulation, control, and isolation. He wanted to take me away from everything in my life that was safe for me so that the only person I could rely on was him. He actually tried to destroy my career. After blaming myself for not being sensitive enough to his quirks and not giving him enough slack for his violent and abusive childhood, I realized that whatever I did or however lenient I was about his behavior, he was already damaged. Just as Lundy states, because he cannot 100% recognize that he is a perpetrator of domestic violence and control, he will never change. In his mind, his actions are always justified as he is the victim and everyone else is the perpetrator.
I read this book in one day. Everything in this book made sense and related almost specifically to the most harrowing six months of my life. I realize now I am lucky to be alive. Our breakup culminated with him smashing my computer after accusing me of having an affair and then trying to smother me. Thank you for helping me realize that I did nothing to cause his actions. Reading this book has helped me understand that it was not my fault.
Domestic violence does not happen only to "certain types" of people. It can happen to anyone - regardless of education, status, or age.
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